Janata-ajanata

Prosperity is taking it's toll....!!!

2008-12-20T10:12:00.000-08:00

Read a post in one of the mid day blogs. 'Death be not proud!'. Author worries about the death that is so prevalent in today's world- in the form of suicides and homicides- though quality of life has improved multi folds. Why? why do people kill themselves, and others including wives, children, beloved, families??

I feel that the answer lies in the improved quality of life. No dream is distant in today's world. The fight for survival has disappeared. Greed for more has taken its place now. The greed is not only for money and material well being. In today's world, 'I' has become the center of everything. Everything revolves around individual comfort. Sacrifice do not possess much value in day to day life. Yes, there are still people who sacrify for communities. But you and me, in our daily lives, DO NOT sacrify. marriages seek intellectual compatibility. Couples expect 100% harmony. And if it is not evident, they trust that there are ways to get out of situation. Getting out of wed locks is becoming easier day by day. This is a prominent change in culture and social structure. This is the first step taken towards collapsed families, broken homes, problem children and whole instability. This mental instability and material over prosperity lead to the belief that anything can be bought and bended as per ones wish.

Now a days, people do not like to face problems, to sustain in storms, to fight to get solution. They do not believe in indivisibility of relations. They do not respect others' emotions. They at times do not respect their family's emotions. And then they do not respect the fundamental right to possess life; the right that every individual gains right from birth. People do not like to struggle and suffer for the sake of relatives, families and loved ones. Perhaps people do not love anyone beyond self. When my well being becomes central, I tend to do ANYTHING to maintain it. That leads to broken homes, problem children, crimes.

The real question is how to stop this? How to bring prosperity and sacrifice together.

गे मातृभूमि तुजला मन अर्पियेले

2008-11-29T14:48:00.000-08:00

गे मातृभूमि तुजला मन अर्पियेले वक्तृत्व वाग्विभव ही तुज वहियेले
तूतेची अर्पिली नवी कविता मताला, लेखाप्रती विषय तूची अनन्य झाला!
त्वत्कार्य नैतिक सुसम्मत सर्व देवा, त्वत्सेवनीच गमली रघुवीर सेवा
सावरकर.

ही अहिंसा सत्यनीति वाटता नामर्दुमी
क्षात्रता दावा तुम्ही
सोडावा क्षेत्री लढूनी राज्यसत्तेचे लढे!
माधव जुलियन.

मुंबई मध्ये सुरू असलेला धुमाकूळ अखेर संपला. लोकांनी विजयाचा आनंद साजरा केला. पोलीस आयुक्तांनी 'मुंबई पूर्णपणे सुरक्षित असल्याची ग्वाही दिली. हे सारे कितपत खरे? दहशतवाद्यांच्या विरोधातला लढा संपला का? आपला विजय झाला असे समजताना आपण हे विसरू नये की दहशतवादी मरण्याच्या उद्देशनेच मुंबईत घुसले होते. इतकी हिंसा आणि जीवीत हानी केल्यावर जिवंत राहणे हा त्यांच्या साठी शाप आहे- चौकशी, छल, कोर्ट आणि फाशी हे त्यांना पुरते ठाऊक होते. प्रश्न इतका च होता की ते मारण्या आधी किती लोकांना मारतात! आणि कधी मरतात.त्यांनी खिंड चार दिवस राटरा अथक लढवली. १५० हून अधिक लोकांचा क्रूरपणे जीव घेतला आणि २०० हून जास्त प्रशिक्षित पोलीस आणि सैन्याला ४ दिवस झुंजत ठेवले! मान्य की सामन्या लोक अडकले असल्याने चार दिवस लागले पण ते लागले के सत्य आहे. आणि हा त्या अतिरेक्यांचा गौरव नक्कीच नाही पण ही वस्तुस्थिती आहे. आपण आपले महत्वाचे टीन अधिकारी लढाई सुरू होण्या आधीच गमावलेत! पुढच्या युद्धात एकूण २० हून जास्त अधिकारी कामी आलेत.
आणि आता मुंबई सुरक्षित आहे का? असा किव्हा ह्याहून भयानक हल्ला होणार नाही असे खात्रीने कोण सागु शकेल? ह्या घटनेतून जगासमोर काय आले? मुंबई सुरखही आहे/ काही दिवसात मुंबई सुरक्षित होऊ शकते हे, की मुंबईत कधी ही काही ही होऊ शकते हे?कोणाला वाटत असेल की आता आपण ह्या परिस्थितीसाठी सरकार, नेते आणि पोलीस खात्याला जबाबदार ठरववावे तर मला माफ करा. माझे मत तसे नाही. आता गरज आहे टी आणीबाणीच्या परिस्थिती मध्ये सगळ्या नागरिकांनी आपली जबबदारी ओळखण्याची. ह्यात मीडीया पण आलाच! आता गरज आहे ती अश्या प्रसंगी सुसूत्रपणे अधिकार्‍यांना मदत करायची. किती दिवस मुंबई चा सामन्या नागरिक आगतिक पणे कुणाच्या गोळ्यांना किव्हा बॉमम्ब्स ना बळी पडणार आहे? आता गरज आहे माझ्यासारख्या सर्व नागरिकांना आणीबाणीच्या प्रसंगाचे प्रशिक्षण मिळण्याची. खरे तर स्वप्रतिकारासाठी बचवचे शिक्षण घेण्यास काही हरकत नसावी. शस्त्रे बाळगायची परवानगी नसावी पण टी हातात आली की चालवता यावीत. आता हा वादाचा मुद्दा होऊ शकतो. पण हे जर हिट्लरी वाटते तर निदान बचावाचे शिक्षण तरी आवश्यक आहे ह्यावर दुमत नसावे. निदान जास्तीत जास्त मुलांनी लष्करात जायची तयारी दाखवावी. देशासाठी, जन सुरक्षेसाठी प्राण देण्याची मानसिकता तरुण मुळा मुलीन मध्ये असावी.
जी गीता गांधीजींनी प्रमाण मानली त्यात ही श्रीकृष्णाने 'तस्मात् युद्धाय युज्यस्व' असाच उपदेश केला आहे हे आपण लक्षात घ्यावे. आपल्या सामर्थ्याची शत्रुन्ना खात्री पटवून देणे हयात गैर काहीच नाही!
पोलीस नोकरीत सन्मान आहेच, त्यांना तसाच पगार, विमा व निवृत्ती वेतन मिळावे म्हणून प्रयत्न व्हायला हवेत. म्हणजे तरुण पिढी ह्या नोकरीकडे आकर्षित होईल. पेज थ्री संस्कृती पेक्षा डोळस देशभक्ती मनांमध्ये रुजवायला हवी. हिंसा करणे, निरपराध लोकांचे जीव घेणे ही आपली संकरती नव्हे. पण शस्त्राचे उत्तर कठोरपणे द्यायला आपण तयार असले पाहिजे. निरपराध जीव घेणे जितके भयंकर तसेच निरपराध आगतिक जीव घालवणे ही पापकारक नाही का? सिस्टम ला दोष देणे भ्याडपणा आहे. मी सिस्टम चा एक भाग आहे. सिस्टम सुधरावी असे वाटत असेल तर प्रत्येकाने प्रयत्न करायला हवेत. साधी गोष्ट आहे. जर लाच देणार्‍यांना उघड नावे ठेवता तर छोट्या छोट्या गोष्टींसाठी लाच का देता? आणि मग लाच खोरी बंद होईल अशी अपेक्षा का करता? प्रत्येक गोष्टीत हाच न्याय आहे. ही वेळ शहीद व्यक्तींना आठवून फक्त अश्रू गालायची नाही तर एक होऊन धडा ग्यायाची आहे. देश आणि नागरी सुरक्षे साठी सर्वांनी च रस्त्यावर उतरले पाहिजे. ज्या मीडीया ने बातमी दिली की रेलवे स्टेशन वरचे पोलीस संशयित व्यक्तिंची चौकशी करत नाहीत, त्यांनी ह्या पोलिसांचा उत्साह टिकून राहावा ह्यासाठी काय केले? ते वेळ काढून तिथे जाउन बसले का? देशप्रेमाचा ज्वर वरपासून खालपर्यंत झीरपट जायला हवा. मग पोलीस आणि सामन्यांमध्ये उत्साह सळसळेल. शाळांपासून मीडीया पर्यंत सगळ्यांची ही जबबदारी आहे.
काल पासून हा सगळा हलकल्लोळ बघून, वाचून, पोलीस व सैनिकांचे शौर्य, त्यांचे निर्भीड बलिदान बघून एरवी स्वताःच्या जीवाला अती जपणारा माझा १६ वर्षांचा भाउ आईला म्हणाला आई मला सैन्यात भरती होता येईल का? मला त्याचा इतका अभिमान वाटतोय. निदान परिस्थितिजन्य का होईना त्याच्या मनात ही इच्छा निर्माण व्हावी हा माझ्या पालकांच्या शिकवणीचा थोडा विजयच की नाही? बाबांची इच्छा होती की त्यांच्या मुलांपैकी एकाने तरी सैन्यात दाखल व्हावे. मला वाटायचे ड.Cक्टर म्हणून माझे क्षेत्र वेगळे आहे. पण आज जाणवते की देशाच्या आणि माझ्यासारख्या अनेक कुटुंबांच्या सुरक्षे साठी ज्याला शक्य त्याने लढायला हवे. आज मला घरी बसून बातमी वाचताना माझी लाज वाटली. ह्या वीस माणसांच्या जीवावर माझ्या सुरक्षेचा इमला उभा आहे हे जाणवून अस्वस्था वाटले. गरज पडली तर मला आणि माझ्या कुटुंबाला ह्या दहशतवादी लढ्यासाठी प्राण, बुद्धी, विचार काही तरी दिले पाहिजे. ही आज मला माझी जबबदारी वाटतेय.
देशाच्या सुरक्षा, अस्तित्व आणि अस्मितेसाठी भारताचे नागरिक काहीही पणाला लावायला तयार आहेत ह्याची जाणीव देशामाधाल्या आणि बाहेरच्या विघातक शक्तींना करून देणे ही प्रत्येक भारतीय नागरिकाची जबाबदारी आहे.

Money...

2008-03-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

Money.... is a power that can easily ruin! I always pray for enough money to feed myself, to build a small shelter and to fulfill my basic responsibilities. And at the same time, I do pray for keeping the flame of realization alive in my conscious mind that there are still many in the world who do not have even this much money.

Fortunately I never had enough money to misuse :-)

Still childhood was secured. I never got many luxuries and I never found all those thing essential which I never got. parents suffered through many difficult times but I never had the fear of being homeless, food less and without basic education. When now my bro tells me that when he heard dad's death at the age of 12, he assumed that then onwards he would have to work and find his own shelter and food without education, it shocks me. That is a terrible feeling for a 12 year old child- a feeling of being thrown into huge dump of insecurity from a pleasant and completely secured lifestyle!!

And today, at the age of 28, when I can no more depend on my mother, all alone, am facing a similar fear. After few months my course is going to end. I can not claim loan money that time. I will NOT have residency and if I write exams hurriedly I might not get into it ever... I can't even think of it. Moreover my loan repayment will also start, I will have to stay in this country without shelter to claim as my own and without a source of income.. and without a single relative. (though they are anyway of know use unless they are own blood and family) I am much worried.. Feel like talking to someone about it.. talk might relieve part of my burden perhaps...

Am not sure of anything right now. I hope situation will not make me pack my bags and go back without any solid achievement. Only good aspect is that I can work if I return and my loan is not huge; I can repay it with my earnings...

Life would be sad if any such thing happens, but it may not happen at all or if it happens it will bring another quality of mine to the surface. Till the time wish to fight is alive, I can not be a failure. :-)

This thought is so consoling!!!

Execution

2008-03-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

I listened to a round table video published in online New England Journal of Medicine. It discussed the rationale behind using muscle paralytic agent in modern method of execution. This modern method involves injecting a combination of two anesthetic agents- muscle relaxant and a barbiturate and potassium chloride which stops heart.

The protocol claims to minimizing pain and suffering at the end of life of the prisoners... Hearing about ending some ones life unnaturally- let it be a homicide, suicide or a legal process makes me sad. On Earth, where every moment is a new generation, evolution towards something better, why should someone end something as beautiful and precious as life??

A life.... when I look at myself and even just couple of people around me- I understand the intricate woven nature of a life. A life is a world. Since birth a life carries so many experiences and memories with it- good or bad- those remain doubtlessly precious. It connects with many others, becomes part of other world while being a world itself... It's a mesh work of many circles huge n small, with a circle of own life being all inclusive. It needs a lot of negative courage to end it artificially.

Even about prisoners, many times I feel perhaps execution is not a right punishment. Then a thought raises, what about a prisoner who has killed a head of a family, a mother, an innocent child and most importantly another life- a world... When I think of an imaginary person, who has just killed my father, my mother, my child, a family member.. what would my reaction be. Or if someone kills my husband or me and I still have a uni-dimensional characteristic of this particular thought intact and alive, what would I think? It is difficult- difficult to forgive someone who does this to me... But I will not like to make him die... it makes me feel terrible. He can have life imprisonment with no work to do and no place to go except his room. That is the worst punishment I feel. Worse than death... But by doing this I do not snatch his world of memories and experiences from him...

And then I think the possible importance of these memories... It is just this and fear of destruction and decomposition of body that makes me afraid of death??? Yes. And was this the reason why few cultures and religions brought concepts of lives after life, world after death and new birth with same soul into existence?.................. Yes perhaps...
Science, which tells true composition of human body, who describes periodic table and dissects atom to its smallest units has not succeeded in driving this fear away.. Also, it has not been successful yet to tell precisely the nature of 'life' in the bodies and its origin...

Time- a sensation.

2008-02-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

A friend called me after a long time... He'd just come back from India and He had couple of good news about career, so we had many topics to talk and catch up with each other. But still, at the end of it, when we said bye, I felt as if I talked for a lot of time- perhaps 2 hours.....???

I checked my mobile and was surprised to see that I'd talked just for 40 mins!!!

The same morning my boyfriend had called up. After cutting the call, I felt I talked for just few minutes... for one hour or so max...

I checked my mobile and it showed me that I was talking for one hour 55 mins!!!

Time is not evenly graded on x axis. Sometimes a min means one hour and it really is one hour. Coz that is what I feel, I experience. And at times, one hour passes like one minute. That is also very true.

An Urdu poem says- days of togetherness are as short as life and nights of separation are as long and dark as my long think hair.... :-)

ख्वाब बुन रही है रात......

2008-02-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

Was getting ready to go out.... when I first remembered these lines like an old friend. I was in school and junior college then; when I was great fan of songs- especially old ones.. Memories of these songs thus bring memories of those carefree days to surface... And these songs directly connect to my inner emotional world.

This re union started day before yesterday... as I mentioned, i was getting ready... I pushed the lines back and walked out of my house. Air was exceptionally warm for winter days, few steps ahead I saw a beautiful yellow bird couple chirping on the brown skeleton of winter tree. And unknowingly I started humming-

ख्वाब बुन रही है रात...... बेकरार है.....
तुम्हारा ..... इंतजार है....
lines started pouring....
होटों पर लिए हुए दिल की बात हम... जागते रहेंगे यु कितनी रात हम...
बस इतनी सी बात है..... तुम से प्यार है...

Hemant kumar is amazing, his songs float in the air like a magical spell!

सितारे सिमसिमाते है तो आजा आजा ... मचलती जा रहीं है हवाए आजा आजा...
सुलगती चांदनी में थम रहीं है तुम पे यह नज़र...

पेडों के शाखों पे सोई सोई चांदनी; तेरे खयालों में खोयी खोयी चांदनी,
और थोडी देर में थक के लौट जायेगी
रात यह बहारों की फिर कभी न आएगी
आजा अभी जिंदगी है ज़वा.......

Talat mixes his voice in the mood,

दम भर के लिए मेरी दुनिया में चली आओ,
तरसी हुई आखों को फिर शकल दिखा जाओ,
मुझसे तो मेरी बिगडी तकदीर नहीं बनती... तस्वीर नहीं बनती....

The spell lasts long!!!
All the gone days and years seem to return. They make me laugh at this stage of life, especially when, future does not promise much... :-)

Celebrating defeat

2008-02-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

I can't welcome and celebrate this birthday for various reasons.
No, growing old is definitely not one of the reasons- I like to grow old, it only adds to my wisdom and creativity...

Simple material reason is I could not keep the commitment- could not finish step 1- a foolish reason to b unhappy perhaps, but it hurts.
My original plan was to finish it by Jan. And I kept postponing it hopelesssly.... and the worst is- am still not prepared...

My boyfriend asked me about my birthday plans today. I've no plans except to study better really. Of course I did not tell him this. He would have immediately said that am showing off... I will probably eat something good- now days good means Indian :-) I thought of buying flowers for myself as usual... but here flowers are hopelessly costly and I do not wish to 'waste' money on flowers!!! :-( Sad!!

Hehe, he added that he could not present me anything... :-) poor soul- he is funny. He never treats me specially and then confesses that he actually does not. N other times he feels that he is doing perfect justice to me :-)
I remembered a gift I received two years ago- a beautiful picture of Radha and Shyam and a handmade paper diary.. N I found it very foolish... so now, if this unromantic boyfriend of mine, my very first and last boyfriend, does not gift me even a small greeting card, if he does not treat me specially ever, I deserve it!!!

Well, its all about feeling bad about promises to self which I could not keep, and uncertain future.. there is nothing to celebrate really.. Me and my lone life- hope it turns out a success sometime......

Well, it is important to celebrate a defeat, a string of defeats!!

आत्मवान!

2008-01-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

In the very beginning of 2nd chapter of Geeta, Krishna says-

अशोच्यानन्व शोचस्त्वं प्रदन्यावाद्स्च्य भाषसे....

You think and dream all those things about which you are NOT supposed to think at all. And on the top of it, you speak philosophies... ( How ridiculous it is...)

many times I feel that this is for me. I was doing internship when I realize this first. I just flipped few pages of Jyaneshwari and my eyes got fixed on a line-

क्षुद्रं ह्रदयदौर्बल्यम त्यक्तोस्त्तिष्ठ परंतप!

This was my first introduction to 2nd chapter.

Leave all the doubts- which show how weak your mind is- make your mind strong- don't think whether you will be able to complete the task you wish to undertake and GET UP.

Get up as a new person. throw the old skin away and shine with new rustling beauty of mind and soul, like snake.

That was the time when I had many doubts about life; what to do and where to start... This was the best guide. If you wish to do something, do not START WITH DOUBT whether you will be able to. Yes, one must give it a rational thought; but with all the positivity and realism he possesses and not with the defeated mind! Trust your abilities and know yourself.

तुझिया नामे अपयशी दिशा लंघिजे!

Your name makes failure run away!

I feel this not for ONLY Arjuna. We all are Arjun at some or the other time in life. Go through his Arjuna's words in 1st chapter-

सीदन्ति मम गात्राणि मुखं च परितुश्यति!

वेपथुश्च्य शरीरे मे रोमहर्षश्च जायते!

गान्दीवं संस्रते हस्तान.....

With sympathetic system all active, my organs are shaking, mouth is dry, weapon is shaking in hand.... imagine a surgeon entering OT for the first time all alone... or a team of surgeons operating on a high risk patient and some unknown, uncontrolled bleeder starts pouring blood, patients BP starts falling, anesthetist demands urgent closure and bleeder is still invisible... haha... I think situation will be almost same perhaps, though of course it will not help at all- rather make the situation even more difficult!

Most of the times, we, atleast i know, what is right in certain situation. But I do what I want to, which I know is WRONG, like a patient suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder. At a golden moment, like this moment today, i realize completely that I must CONTROL my mad mind. I must try not to listen to it but I must make it listen to me.

Here comes Geeta in application:

He says,

सुख दुख्खे समे कृत्वा लाभालाभौ जयाजयौ,

ततो युद्धाय युज्यस्व नैवं पापं अवाप्स्यसि

Fight! Leave thoughts of victory and defeat, loss and gain, happiness and sorrows... FIGHT.

Thoughts cloud mind. They DO NOT lead to success, they waste time and and promise nothing but more chances to lose!

FIGHT is the golden word. COME OVER, SUCCEED... but DONT DREAM OF SUCCESS too!! It is a binder, which hinders progress!!

त्रैगुणयविषयावेदा निस्त्रैगुण्यो भवार्जुन!

After knowing Vedas, which are filled with three gunas- characters- satva, raj and tam,

You be without any of those three!

निर्द्वन्द्वो नित्यसत्वस्थो निर्योगक्षेम आत्मवान!

Overcome all the internal fights; be attached to sat, to that which is TRUE, do not engage yourself in yog kshem- efforts to uplift self in material world- and be आत्मवान! This is one of the best words used by krishna! Be aatmavaan- everyone will interpret it differently. Be yourself- be content within yourself. Be involved in yourself, be happy with yourself. Be content!!

And now I feel how fool I was to run behind all those things which are most uncertain!!!!!!

Though this realization is going to be temporary as usual, I realize that... which is better at least!!

addicts... social problems... responsibilities...

2008-01-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

The post on Muktangan made me reproduce more and more.. as if the prolonged block on brain was lifted and thoughts regained flow... A wonderful re-recognition of self or something of that sort if this sounds disproportionately great and does not suit my character :-)

Muktangan exposed me to a world of pains and problems. There, life presented itself as a Pandora's box, recently opened, with sorrows and agonies flying high in air. There, life appeared a continuous process of failure to cope up, search of escapes, mistakes, attempt to correct those, temporary phase of correction and again relapse!!! With relapse rate as high as 80% Muktangan is well known as one of the best de-addiction centers in the country... That is the magnitude of the problem named addiction! Appears quite common, I could see atleast one alcoholic in whole day even if I lingered in my balcony for a hour total in a day! And I'd never seen druggists, iv drug abusers till then. And I did not know that habit forming drugs could be any damn drug- even a routine cough syrup- i'd heard it but i could never believe till I saw the abuser at Muktangan!!

State of mind always fluctuated there. One moment I would curse the person for causing so many financial and emotional troubles to the family and children, creating new set of troubles, worse than the present.

Next moment I would pray for keeping me at distance from the sufferings he's going through...

This now reminds me of a historical fact- Winston Churchill's Parliament speeches provided constant encouragement to British army during 2nd World War and most of those were filled with intense criticism against Nazis. The same leader, unique due to his strength, intellect and courage, in the cluster of politically miserable France, cruel Soviet Russia with entirely different set of interests and distant and thus safe America, commented in the Parliament once that if Britain had been devastated in the similar way after first world war, another Hitler would be the necessity of time to pull the national pride and economy up!!

Ironically, systems create more than half of the problems which people face in personal lives. It may not be the immediate system. It usually comprises of a set social norms, economy, and culture. Poverty line is decided by economy. Level of education which a person can achieve depends on economy. Level of expenditure depends on social norms and culture to greater extent. We, as a part of the entire system around, are equally responsible though indirectly! half of the addicts are created by system with which they can't cope up. of course, it is not that simple- way in which they brought up is also important and so are many other factors- but everything finally narrows down to the level of education themselves, parents and neighborhood achieve and socio economic ability of that class to achieve that level!

Thus system creates problem-people and then system curses them, outcasts etc and then a part of system struggles to correct these problems!!

I imagine the losses involved in the entire process- both economical and emotional, I see the young generation in such houses which is deprived of so many good things right from facilities till value implantation, and I realize that there are many such houses around... The fact is disturbing!

Muktangan

2008-01-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

happened to read few poems written by someone... felt like posting my own poem- written sometime during 2nd year MBBS- inspiration was 'Muktangan' perhaps; where I witnessed positivity and efforts taken by addicts, their families and volunteer team of course... I listened to lives completely collapsed, devastated... severe family or professional problems, tensions... There consulting room was a dynamic stage always flooded with uncontrolled emotions. And there were so many shades, so many types, so many different depths achieved.

I closely monitored shallow emotions of a HIV positive and his ups and downs, worries of mothers, agony of wives, depression of poor vehicle drivers, tensions of middle class, entirely different world of a dentist schizophrenic, concerns of her old grandpa, careless experimentation of an adolescent drug addict and the ease with which he admitted it in front of his parents.

Every case I saw was different and made me think a lot. My petty sorrows, if there were any, were wiped off in this tremendous flood of experiences which showed me the 'true colors of life'. Which literally pulled me out of my protective shell, made me face bare realities even though as a third person.

Now with good career path, nice progress in tasks taken in hands, wonderful life partner and my characteristic optimism, I will hopefully never face any of those problems which i witnessed there; but those were eye openers, that was an introduction to sorrows and it enriched my optimism. My attitude- if people can face so many problems and it they can still live and struggle, life is worth living truly- was re enforced there. And I will never forget this fact ever.

Life never showed me dark colors till now, I never considered any event as negative part of life- though now retrospectively I sometimes feel for few moments that dad's death was a set back perhaps, on academic front, but still I know that it taught me the most valuable philosophy. He taught me even in the process of his own death.

Thus, though, life never was cruel with me, I developed an attitude to face unavoidable cruelties of life in Muktangan. It is my treasure of lifetime. And that made me write these lines.

एकवार मी सहज पाहिले मला स्वताला जरा न्याहालून,
शोधत असता जुन्याच वाटा, खुणा जयाच्या गेल्या हरवून!

दिवस जशी ही पिम्पल-पाने, गलून गेली कितिक भराभर,
हाती आले काहीच नाही, निसतले म्हणा वा हातातुन!

किव्हा काही खरच गवसले, कलले नाही मलाच केव्हा?
मर्म लागले कीनारयास पण सागर लाटा गेल्या परतुन...

आवेगांच्या, आवर्तांच्या, आभासांच्या कितिक लाटा...
बंध रेशमी तुटता तुटता, जीवन सारे गेल्या उसवून!

उसासण्याला नव्हता अंत, निश्वासातच बद्ध तराणे,
आयुष्याचे सुरम्य गाणे, सूरच गेले सारे हरवून!

विस्कटलेल्या याच पटावर केव्हा होते डाव रंगले,
केव्हा होत्या पडल्या नरदा... डावच गेला सगला उधलून!

अवसेच्या ह्या रात्रि काल्या मी पुनवेला शोधत आहे...
कालपटावर सुखदुक्खाच्या डाव पुन्हा उलगडत आहे!

Modest and highly incomplete attempt to express the immense optimism which I feel within!! :-)

A Disaster

2007-12-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

A friend mentioned today that this was the disastrous year of his life... I knew certain events which took place in this person's life this year which I found the most beautiful!! I exclaimed- what???!! N he tried to correct by saying professionally. But the overall impression of this year that came spontaneously was DISASTROUS!!!

I remembered the days when I was a machine. I used to lock myself in a room when I was in home and in my house while in Tg, for days together... I read a lot during that period.. I did not talk much to my family. I did not sit and chat with my granny who had come to stay with me at Tg, who cooked for me with love, who cared... I never told her how much did I love her, how close she was to me... I did not find it necessary. Expressing love openly wasn't my nature then... I was engrossed in the world of books and one fine day, all of a sudden, I found her dead at midnight! She had gone without notification-without any kind of illness! I was shocked... I cursed myself for not talking to her, not spending enough time with her, not telling her that I loved her and she would always remain in my mind!!

Then one Monday morning, my dad dropped me at station. It was 5 am and we both were silent throughout my journey to station. My surgery posting was going on and I was thinking of a patient who was on deathbed and whom I was looking after. While getting down from car, saying bye to dad, intuitively I realized that I did not talk to him at all!! And in past many days I had not talked to him the way I should have.. I had so many things to tell him in leisure.. And the immediate afterthought was- I will talk to him all that anyway.. Gran was old, he is not... He is going to be with me for atleast next 20 years... And believe me these were the exact thoughts which came to my mind that time in the same sequence.

On Thursday, dad got admitted with Pneumonia, by the time I reached he was intubated and sedated. I told him in his ears in ICU that I loved him and I would take care of everything and he might rest in peace. I do not know whether he could interpret.
Finally fifteen days later, when I was performing the last rituals, and priest was explaining me the meanings of the rituals I was performing, I was constantly thinking that I lost it once again. I lost two people, one by one within two years, who were extremely close, and whom I loved the best, and I lost the opportunity to tell them how much did they mean to me for ever.

While saying the year was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER someone might get hurt, few beautiful moments might go unnoticed and if my friend realizes its importance the way I realized, it would be hard perhaps!! Perhaps...!!!

Same poem in Marathi script

2007-12-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

विपत्ति मध्ये तू माझे रक्षण कर ही माझी प्रार्थना नाही.
विपत्ती मध्ये मी भयभीत होऊ नये इतकीच माझी इच्छा!!

दुक्ख तापाने व्यथित झालेल्या माझ्या मनाचे तू सांत्वन करावेस अशी माझी अपेक्षा नाही...
दुक्खावर जय मिलवता यावा इतकीच माझी इच्छा.

माझ्या मदतीला कोणी न आल्यास माझे बळ मोडून पडू नये
इतकीच माझी इच्छा.

माझे रक्षण तू करावेस, मला तारावेस ही माझी इच्छा नाही,
तरून जाण्याचे सामर्थ्य माझ्यात असावे इतकीच माझी इच्छा.

माझे ओझे हलके करून तू माझे सांत्वन केले नाहीस तरी माझी तक्रार नाही
ते ओझे वहायाची ताकद माझ्यात असावी इतकीच माझी इच्छा.

सुखाच्या दिवसात नतमस्तक होउन
मी तुझा चेहरा ओलखुन काढीन.
दुख्खाच्या रात्री सगळे जग जेव्हा माझी फसवनूक करेल
तेव्हा तुज्याविषयी माझ्या मनात शंका निर्माण होऊ नये
इतकीच माझी इच्छा!

रविंद्रनाथ टागोर

Two Poems

2007-12-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

They give me the strength today... and always...
dad is no more today, but words support me- never cry, face the situation; try to find solutions, be brave always, you are my daughter!! My parents, granny and their lives taught me many valuable lessons! Those lessons are summarized in these two poems...

If You Can.....
Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head, when all about you
are losing theirs, and blaming it on you!
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
and make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet, don't look too good, nor talk too wise!

If you can bear to hear, the truth you've spoken,
twisted by naives to make a trap for fools,
Or watch things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop to build'em up with warnout tools...

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtues,
Or walk with kings- nor lose the common touch..
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much...

If you can fill The unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds, worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And which is more- you'll be a Man my son!

Unfortunately I do not have English translation of this beautiful poem by Rabindranath Tagore!!

Vipatti madhye tu maza rakshan kar
Hi mazi prarthana nahi.
Vipatti madhye mee bhaybhit hou naye
itki ch mazi ichcha.

Dukkha tapane vyathit zalelya mazya mana cha
Tu santvan karavas
ashi mazi apeksha nahi.
Dukkha var jay milavata yava, itki ch mazi ichcha.

Mazya madatila koni n alyas,
Maze bal modun padu naye, itki ch ichcha.

Maze rakshan tu karaves, mala taraves,
hi mazi prarthana nahi.
tarun janyache samarthya mazyat asave,
itki ch mazi ichcha.

Maze oze halke karun tu maze santvan kele nahis tari mazi takrar nahi
te oze vahayachi shakti mazyat asavi
itki ch mazi ichcha.

Sukha chya diwasat nat mastak houn
mee tuza chehera olkhun kadheen.
Dukkha chya ratri,
sare jag jevha mazi fasavnuk karel,
tevha tuzya vishayi mazya manat shanka nirman hou naye
itki ch mazi ichcha!

Yes, I still live on poems and books :-)
In this foreign country, with possiblility of major loss in mind- all alone, I gather all my hope and determination and live on poems and books... :-)

Pre School.. School... Education.. Human!

2007-12-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

I came across an article in Marathi news paper today. It spoke about increasing fashion and trends of 'pre-school'.

I wonder whether the entire education system reflects right direction and assures excellent future generation... When I hear about difficult oral interviews of tender 3 yr olds, written tests, parental interview, competition and huge donation sums, my fear grows further. I still do not like exams much- at this age!!!

Children previously used to go to 'playgroup', just to play, to get used to strangers and to mix with other kids of same age groups. Now they go to 'pre schools' where they learn ABCD and numbers (and mathematics too perhaps) in advance. And parents think they fulfill their duty towards their kid by enrolling him/her in a good pre-school and paying huge donation for a good school. And they have a small (!!) expectation from their kid that he/she should perform well in the interview. They do not find time to sit and teach their kids the needed stuff from their busy growing careers. And in their nuclear families and 'small' two BHK flats, they do not have enough place to invite their parents to stay with them. So kids do not have grand parents to teach them.

Value systems are changing too rapidly. What I have seen and experienced in my childhood has gone and vanished.....

Coming back to the school issue, I wonder whether this system will succeed in shaping bright future of my country?? In today's busy world, no one has time to ingrain values, tell stories, enrich emotional childhood world. We might succeed in making good engineers and doctors by this method but will we be able to provide philosophers and 'human beings' to the future generations? What will happen to morality of the society, values and culture in general??? I wonder........

Je je jagi jagate taya maze mhana karunakara…

2007-11-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

Kacha sings this song at the end of Marathi Drama Yayati-Devyani…

Sarvatmaka, Sarveshvara, Ganga-dhara, Shiv-sundara….
Je je jagi jagate taya maze mhana Karunakara!!

I heard it for the first time when I was in school. And since then it has allured my mind. The concept is all inclusive. All that is alive… consider it as your own, care for it, look after it, provide and protect! Lord, who himself is ‘all inclusive’, God of all’, ‘powerful enough to hold mighty river Ganga in his hair’ and ‘holy- beautiful’ would definitely possess that inner urge and capability to love all and accept all as his own.

I many times tried applying it to common man; to myself. And found it exceedingly difficult to implement. I mean, I interact and these interactions invariably produce objections- small or big, regarding content or principles. And I find an internal division done subconsciously; the division that suggests my party and ‘opposite’ party. Then I start balancing, judging weights of opinions related to both the parties. This weighing includes the questions like what would my relatives think, what would my role model do, what would I think if I were third person and many other.
This process is really complex and it all happens subconsciously. Again it differs according to type of person- that is, a person with internal focus would think that 'yes, this is right for I find it right.' Person with ‘powerful others’ focus and chance focus would think accordingly. In this chaos, ultimately the wall strengthens. The rejection- in minute or major form shapes up. It might not even be noticeable in trivial issues; but then, it is a REJECTION!!! There is no ‘Unconditional acceptance’!!

I strive for such acceptance from my near and dear people. At the same time, I tend to doubt, question intentions perhaps... I do not trust blindly! But this does not mean that complete trust bridges the gap. I see so many barriers to accept ‘my people’- friends and relatives!! Principles, opinions, logic, habits and many others try to stand in between. I do get along and I may feel that I have accepted them unconditionally. But still the 'question tag' remains. I ask ‘WHY’ to myself, if not to them, for at least one of their actions. But then I manage to love them with all my heart.

But will I be able to do the same when it comes to perfect strangers? The honest answer would be no. When I say I wish to evolve as a better human being, I express this wish. I wish to love every living being, I wish to care for them, try to nurture, nourish them, try to share their tears, try to spread smiles.

I always feel that this does not need educational quality. Neither does it need wealth or security. It is a flow- flow of pure love, outwards. This flow has provision to detect mistakes, punish for those and still ‘love’. Love should be the basic feeling in the world. It’s is such a strength that binds so tightly… But unfortunately it is the last feeling which comes in the mind perhaps. Acceptance can not be without doubts and clarifications.

This makes me value the words and think over those again and again-
‘Je je jagi jagate taya, maze mhana karunakara….’

Roopmati, Meera, Gatha...

2007-10-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today afternoon, when I was desperately looking for my recommendation letters, I found my old diary in which I'd written all wonderful quotes when I was in school. A loose page dropped... It contained poems written by Rani Roopmati- Poems of absolute dedication!!

Man meet sang neha lage, sukh dukh sab apanaavat baavariya...
Kahe bhav duja man bhavan, tan man ek sab hi saanwariya...!!

And then,

Shaban-e-hijara daraj yu jhulf, va roj-e-waslat yu umrah kotah..
sakhi piya ko jo main na dekhu, kaise kaatu andheri ratiya....???

Dark nights of separation appear endlessly long like my dark black hair... moments spent together appear as small as life..... :-)
It's amazing concept... endless like long dark hair.... I envy the wealth of her hair... and momentary like- life!!!!

This reminds me of another Sanskrit poetry- softly romantic, delicate like a naughty transparent duppata.. which hides but still reveals!!! ;-)

I do not remember the exact lines, but meaning is as follows...

I got up at midnight; he was deep asleep beside me. I caught moon, peeping like a thief in our room through the huge open window; staring at him with envy. I feared his sight (buri nazar!!), and initially thought of covering his face with my delicate duppata... but soon I realized that it would disturb his sleep... Then, I opened my loosely tied long dark thick hair and I bent over his face. With my face very close to his, I started staring at his handsome face... my hair fell all around without touching his face and it automatically formed a thick curtain between his face and moon :-)!!!

gatha saptshati narrates many such delicate four liners, uncovers fears in tender young minds as mugdha, and travels through the difficult mesh of woman minds, addressing feelings and fears of every age!!!

Fears and worries remain more or less same even today, those are eternal foolish little worries :-). Mugdha fears of loosing her lover, and Rasika fears of finding her husband unfaithful, Middle aged lady worries about her children and old lady, sweeter than honey and riped with experiences, advises rightly. :-)
Gatha narrates stories of womanhood of one culture... reveals it's cultural richness; and being women centered throws some light on the structure of society.

Rani Roopmati's poems are entirely different, they remind me of Meera; I find the same devotion and dedication in her lines.
I am in love with these ladies.. am in love with the way they loved!!!

Tonight...

2007-10-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I sat with my coffee cup as usual, after a long gap perhaps.... night was as silent as usual. Poems lingered in mind for a while as usual. Again I 'lived' Satari che bol...
I stated at 'Karan aatil vishanna vrutti... bahya bhairavi dharate preeti....' and very swiftly reached at 'shant ch tare, shant ch vaare, shant ch hridayi zale sare...'
So, 'Geeta' seeps in soul.... haan.. ??
I never experienced it so positively till today. Words filled the night with their depth. 'I am not 'nirdvandva and aatma svatvstha' I know very well... But I could digest 'Ashochya nanv shochyas tvam, pradnya vaadaan ch bhashase'. I could question myself quite indifferently. i could laugh at my immediate mistakes. I could correct.

Again, tonight, I drempt of the holidays which I'd planned at smoky mountains; I drempt of pleasant solitude, i drempt of little valuable treats, i promised myself after each exam.
And most importantly I drempt of MY HOUSE!!!!!!! I consequently drempt of perfect scores, reasonably good residency, content life with balance of dreams and facts, and of HOME!!
I consider myself a new individual. Truly independent- for I found myself free of my own small conditional thoughts. I found myself free from my little dependencies, my clauses for happiness.

I know, I can ONLY react even today, or rather i only correct my faulty reactions. I might take long time to ACT appropriately. I finally realize now days, though bit late, that 'sukh dukkhe same krutva labha labhau jaya jayau.. tato yuddhay yujyaswa....!!' is the ultimate key to contentedness. That's not idle but that's appropriate.
Now I do not follow Geeta because it is an 'ideology'; now I follow the philosophy for I find it the most appropriate way to act or react. I try to reach 'atmanye aatmana tushta' state. It's still illusive though!

The state adya Shankaracharya mentioned-
'Manobudhyahankar chittani naham... na ch vyom bhutirna wa panchadhatu.. chidanand rupee shivohum....'
is still illusive. But I do not find it fantasy anymore. It's difficult revision of second chapter of Geeta. I would love to be 'nirvikalpa', that's such a wonderful state...

I sat beneath the dark serene night sky with this desire... And i could hum the usual lines, without trace of tears for the first time, and I guess I understood those lines for the first time in my life today...

Madhya ratri, nabh ghumata khali
shanti shiri tam chavarya dhali
tyakt bahishkrut mi tya kali...
ekanti dole bharati... tethe kar maze julti...

And I joint my palms, to pay my respect to all that is 'sat' which lasts for ever without depletion...

Gazal by Galib... Yeh na thi hamari kismat...

2007-10-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

-Yeh na thi hamari kismat ki wisaal-e-yaar hota,
agar aur jeete rehte yahee intezaar hota!

It was not my destiny that I unite with my love.
I would have waited for the moment, if I would have lived till then…

-Tere wade par jiye hum toh yeh jaan zoot jana,
main khushee se mar na jaati agar eitabaar hota

If you think that I lived on your promise, that’s not the situation…
Wouldn’t have I died with joy, if I’d been sure that you are trustworthy!

-Hue mar ke hum jo rusawa, hue kyo na gharg-e-dariya
na kabhee janaaza uthata, na kahee mazaar hota..

Have I gained ill fame in death? Why didn’t I go and get drown in sea?
(Not very sure of the meaning…)
Corps would not have taken to burial ground, no tomb would be seen!

-Koee mere dil se poonche, ki yeh teer-e-neem kash ko
Yeh khalish kahaan se hotee jo jigar ke paar hota

Ask my heart- the way you have aimed the arrow,
Wouldn’t have I bled in silence, if it’d been at right place in my heart!

-Kahoon kis se main ke kya hai, shab-e-gham buri bala hai,
mujhe kya bura tha marna ? agar ek baar hota

To whom should I tell? Dark nights of sorrows (of separation) are difficult…
I would have better died; I would have suffered just once!

-Yeh masaail-e-tasawwuf, yeh tera bayaan Galib,
tujhe hum walee samajhate, jo na baada_khwaar hota.

Galib, your thinking and phrases are great!
If we’d not seen your drunken side, we would have called you a saint!

Balance...??!!

2007-10-24T08:07:00.001-07:00

Hya mazya pankhan ni udanya che ved dile
Pan mazya hatan ni gharate he nirmiyale..

My wings have filled my mind with dreams of fights.
But my hands have built this house….

Jaganya chi odh ashi, udnya che ved ase,
Gharatya chya lobhat hi udanya che bavya pise!

I love to live; I am passionate about flights as well,
I wish to live but I cherish big dream of newer flights as well….

Vyoma tun udatana odhit ase maj gharate,
An ubet gharatya chya kshudra te ch maj gamete

While in sky, my house attracts me,
And when I rest in my nest, I feel insignificant…

He vichitra dukkha ase, gheuni uri mi jagato,
Gharatya tun gagana tun, shapit mi tag-magto.

I live with this strange sorrow in my heart,
I find myself restless in the house as well as in the sky!!!

The story is old.
They all are usually ‘genius males’!
They wish to attain higher and higher degrees of intellectual (not professional!) excellence. It’s wonderful to be indulged in sea of knowledge. It’s eternal companion. (Pundita Ramabai called it her immortal husband!)
It’s equally alluring to get submerged in the work- either community oriented or personal. But my tiny brain always question that is it really essential to leave everything behind and get into whatever you wish to do?? Can one separate life and career for that matter??

For me, life is the center point. My career and aspirations revolve around ‘life.’ My favorite answer to the question ‘what do you do now days’ is ‘am living, as I always do!’

It is typical woman instinct it is perhaps.

I don’t know whether it’s really difficult to maintain a balance. Answer seems to be ‘no’ for a lady; but for men it can very well be ‘yes’. It’s not because of the differences in responsibilities or motherhood which women have to bear and cherish; it’s because of the certain level of detachment, men can maintain always! They can get things out of mind and head. Basically they use ‘brain’ most often.
I have read many mythological stories, especially of lord Krishna, whom I consider great enough for he has written ‘Geeta’!! He married few thousand ladies but he never seemed to be particularly involved in anyone of them. Radha too, could not bind him, though she spent her life with his name on lips, and though their love is idol even today.

It’s not the question of love and relationships really; it’s the question of balancing life and being happy at the same time. Rather I would say being content- satisfied. For me, am far away from the satisfaction at this stage, for I feel that I focus on just one aspect of my life. Yes, I consider my medical career as ‘just one aspect’ of my life. If I subtract it from my life; still many things would remain. I value those all. (Though I can’t possibly live with this absolute subtraction for all my life… but then I believe in adaptation… hmmm, well it’s a dilemma.)

I do not claim that this is the best approach; but I do feel that there should be some middle way. It’s possible to be in the house quite often, to fly and to be content always!!

Meelan kshetra.

2007-10-21T18:02:00.001-07:00

Sandhya Radha tambus gori unmad pad gati mand
Yamuna snana dhapan aali, japan mani Govind!

na sahun mohan daah sodita shwas kanchuki band
sahaj tichya chalyan tun sutala vaalya cha rati-gandh

anchal udata kampit stambhit chanchal pawan kadamb,
gharm jala ne s-chail bhijala, zala ola chimb!

Yamula vadali nako Radhike ughadi taku paath,
Lochan paapi sodavu de maj kach- bhara chi gaath!

Hari-prati bimbe laharat hoti Yamuna utat tudumb,
Dumbat hoti dhund Radhika, pilit piwale limba!

vansh vanatun vyankat lochan timir chorata Krishna,
Ushna usaase takit khilala, baghat tila s-tushna!

Neeli houni uthali Radha, pilu lagali kes,
Mor houni gilu lagala jal mauktik Rishikesh!
(I simply love these lines!!)

hmmm.. do not remember the last line... something... and
hya drushya ne ratra jahali akshay meelan kshetra!!

Borkar.

Ghan s-garbh najar ek...

2007-10-21T17:56:00.001-07:00

Ghan s-garbh najar ek, smit suchak fulnaare,
sanketak vakya ek, vividharthe chalnare..

De athava viddyut-vat sparsh jara ozarata,
tya vin sakhi khinna jine, diwas sunna vyarth, rita!

Nesun ye vasan dhaval, malun ye shubhra fule,
bhala var khelveet navala che swapna neele!

ujal ujal kanti rase sandhya goodh shyamal ta,
fulav madhur kutil vache pratibhe chi pushpa lata!

Dooratun pan ratri nishwasit guj adhure,
galit ye hrid-patri timira che vish gahire,

An bhidata gagana la jwalan tun mook vyatha,
ekaki pani tasalya jyotsna-rati ho kavita!!

Borkar.

Day of poems!!

2007-10-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today is day of poems.

Today I feel that I must not 'ask' anything from life. Whatever I get, I must try to use it to the fullest. I am old now, like wine, I must grow sweeter like wine and shine with golden aura like wine!

Poems have been faithful companions till today. I remember dark nights, when I was in 8th-9th, when mind was away from every sorrow, when I spent hours together in my room, looking at stars. Those were the days when I drempt, I sung, I thought about life. I never thought so much later in the life. Those days formed base of life!

Later, I was drifted away from school of life and I lost the music of life. I meet those days now, out of blue, when I sit and poems arise in my mind, I start humming those and they bring tears- tears of satisfaction for whatever little I have gained, of sorrow for something precious that I have lost! I pity my reactions, I feel I could not utilize my investment as a child... The wisdom I gained was either not enough or I could not retain it. Strong sense of association with idols faded. Beautiful colourful world of dreams disappeared and reality cruelly laughed at my silly childhood dreams and concepts of everything.

Life wasn't that straight forward and simple as I expected to be. People except my parents weren't transparent.. not even those whom I considered close to me. They always had inner sense of insecurity which I never kept in my mind. Even when I pretended to show it, it hurt me. Am too unfit to survive without sorrows and tears.
I know this narration has gained sad tone. But it does not at all make life worthless. Rather it makes life worth living. My childhood dreams of perfect life and 'my' people give me courage to live. If life is a battle I would fight it. If life is a garden I will blossom it, if life is a long dark night, I will lighten it. I always pray,

Dhairya de an namrata de, pahanya je je pahane,
vaku de buddhi s mazhya tapt polada pramane!

Aashaya cha tu ch swami, shabda vahi mi bhikari,
Maganya la ant nahi, aani denara murari..

that's the beauty of life. Though my expectations are endless, the giver is 'Murari!' He will keep on giving and I will keep on taking without slightest realization that he gives in one form and he himself takes it in another form- I am none but one of his countless expressions!! :-)
That sooths, doesn't it???

Another peom.

2007-10-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

Kasa mi kale na

Kadhi yet ase kshudrata kaspata chi, kadhi vadhata vadhata vyom vyapi
kadhi dhavato vishwa chumbavayala, kadhi aapanala swa haste ch shaapi

Kdhi yachito sat, kadhi swapna yachi, kadhi dhavato kaal takun mage,
kadhi varshato amruta chya sari an kadhi mrutyu chi bhabadi bheek mage

Kadhi dainya vana, niradhar hoi, kadhi goodh, gambheer aatma prakashi
kadhi garjato sagara chya bala ne, kadhi kapato bolata aapnashi.

Kadhi apana sarv pindat shodhi, kadhi pahato aatm- roopat sare,
kadhi mojito aapanala anante, anu roop hoti jithe surya taare.

Tale na ahankaar sadhya krutin cha, gale na maha-puccha swarthi smrutin che.
kadhi ghet ase song te satya vate, kadhi satya te vatate song sache.

Kadhi saiyami sanshayatma, viragi, kadhi aatatayi, kadhi matta kami,
asa mi tasa mi kasa mi kale na, swata chya ghari door cha pahuna mi...

(this poem is mostly by Madgulkar, similar poem is written by Kusumagraj as well!)

Mi anik mi aamhi doghe, ek ghara madhale rahivaasi,
don gaav che don dishan che, ha rat yethe, ha van-vaasi.

Ha vyavahari rangun jato, hisheb karato rupaye aane,
Nakshatran chya yatre til to aikat rahi abodh gane!

Mitra sakhyan cha mela jethe tethe tyache visaavate man,
ha ekaki, hriday vyathe la nahi tyachya kasale santvan..

alee pari ha gardi madhuni vihar karato rasadhya marmik,
shoonya pathi to chirantana chya oze gheun chale yatrik.

mi anik mi aamhi doghe vasti sathi ek jari ghar,
Don druvan che meelan yethe, don druvatil thevun antar!!

( I could not remember the entire peom here.. not good... this indicates that I am losing my treasure slowly, which supports my living every moment!!)

A poem!

2007-10-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Samaj

Samaj rang jaltya sonya cha houn mi madya madhye bharalo
samaj jari mi kaajal houn nayakinin chya nayani shiralo

samaj jari mi bhramar pana ne ras gandha che pyalo dahivar
ashya tashyan chya saraait vaa samaj tekalo hya rastya var

asel sahas hya sarya tun durbalte la karavayache
marana chya chaye madhi athava thode jyada jagavayache

asel kahi, pan palikadacha mi jar tujala kalalo nahi
mhanen parichay zala apula, parantu olakh ali nahi!!

Kusumagraj.

And, The Lord Created Woman

2007-10-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into His sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My Spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands.

"The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands! No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to My own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord.""She is soft,"

the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride".

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men!

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without, so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning!

They bring joy and hope.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give. However, if there is one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their own worth.

(A wonderful narration I found on internet!! It’s so true!!)

A sculpture!

2007-10-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

I first saw this sculpture some four years ago. I’ve been there three times since then and every time I see something new in it. It’s symbol of love, uncertainty lovers face till the last moment, love, assurance, love, excitement, love, disbelief, love…. Too much!! It’s simply mind blowing!

I passed through that corridor casually when I went there for the first time. I’d no clue of what I was seeing- my feeble knowledge of mythology could not uncover colors hidden in those black sculptures. I could guess that it was something related to Lord Shiva and Aparna, (I like this name of the goddess the best for it tells story of her devotion, firm love and self confidence!) I wandered through the stories, awestruck by the carving skills, without slightest clue that I was viewing part of Kumar-Sambhava carved entirely in stone!

My next visit was a learnt visit; I was with an excellent guide, who had studied these caves for last 25 years. We spent one whole day in the Kailas temple. And, stories unfolded on the rocky screen. I lived those stories then. I think, the series also contained story of ‘Sati’…, Parvati’s persistent efforts to please the God, Madan’s defeat, Rati’s cries, Parvati’s test and typical marriage talks at Himalaya’s house... as if we were walking on the time-line of mythology! N then we arrived at ‘The day’- the marriage! The sculpture took my breath away!!!!

There she stood in the marriage hall, beautiful, half ready and shy; with hair half tied! One ankle chain was missing… she had worn half of her ornaments... and she was already in the marriage hall!!! Her right hand was in Lord’s hand… ah, no, his hand was in her hand… (Well, this is not the typical Hindu ritual..! Groom holds bride's hand ideally!) His other hand was on her shoulder. She was too shy and modest to look up at him; her sight touched the floor through angle of eyes. With right knee bent slightly, she stood there; shy, confused but still elegant! Well, but this did not certainly convey a typical marriage scene though. This sculpture carved something quite bold for those days n even for today perhaps- Bride holding groom’s hand and groom patting her on shoulder in front of all invited people..??? :-)

We stood there silently memorizing the well known story. And different colors started emerging slowly through the black rock. Silent corridor filled with hushed noises, from different time. Her cheeks turned pink. Solid rock softened. Her silk saree rustled and unsaid feelings flowed. She suffered a lot to see this day. She left her palace at tender age, lived in woods, left food, lived on leaves, left even those later- thus was named as A-parna. Finally she achieved her love.
And when the day arrived, while getting ready for the ceremony, she heard the noise indicating his arrival. She must have lived all those past hardships in that moment! Her mind fluttered. He was typically known as ‘viragi’, well known for not having slightest interest in mortal pleasures! He was famous as short tempered, eccentric, without any civil culture! He lived in graveyard, his followers and devotees were ghosts and wild animals! What if something makes him angry and he leaves the ceremony…???

....... with this thought, She left her makeup room hastily. With least botheration about her half completed make up, she approached him eagerly and caught hold of his hand… what a sweet silly, womanly gesture!! With a smile on his lips, he patted on her shoulders and assured her without words that he would not leave her now! And in a moment, she realized what she had done!!! Her pink cheeks grew red. Her eyes turned towards ground and her knee bent with modesty….

And he, the sculptor, caught it all perfect!!! He froze the moment in the black rock. He painted the rock red by his carving. He carved a brave lover, like ‘abhisarikas’, who would not care for the world! And then he also carved a cultured Hindu bride, who knew her limitations, who crossed those and felt extreme shy… he carved the metamorphosis- complete change in a careless, unconventional man, and most importantly he carved the strength of love- which brought about this change; which blossomed the tender flowers, gentle emotions in dry burning fire!!

I respect the anon genius of another time, he taught me that extraordinary work travels through epochs without wear and lasts... name doesn’t. He taught me that we all represent one human race and individual intellect would be praised as overall intellect of the race. He taught me the unity and insignificant nature of human existence as an individual.

....!!!!

2007-10-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Is this all dream.... Nah.. but I never knew that life can be so nice, and wonderful and simply great!!!!! I do not want this phase to end ever...

I would love to die now... perfect time!

But hey, time may have a lovely bunch of wonderful events in the bag… am eager to welcome those… I dream to evolve even better, work even harder and achieve even more! I wish to see my aspirations turned even more positive and constructive.

I remember a marathi poem-

Unha sarakha harsh maza asava, gharatun baher yavi mule,
Nabha sarakha shok maza asava bhui tun dekhil yavi phule!!

Bhui sarakhi preeti mazi asawi, khani tya jala hi futave zare,
Nabha sarakhi shanti mazi asavi phulave bhavishyatle kevade!!

May my pleasures smile like summers- which bring kids out of their houses.
May my sorrows flow like rainy sky- which raises flowers from Earth.

May my love burst like Earth- water- life- flows even through the wounds.
May my peace linger like sky, may flowers of future blossom through it!

Life is beautiful !!

2007-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I get this feeling occasionally. I mean, I occasionally feel that life is particularly beautiful. On the collage, when new pieces of events get added constantly, new people make their prints, some part of life sometimes becomes very pretty. These are such days… difficult but wonderful... These days prompt me to imprint my excellence on this patch of life. They constantly add to my wisdom, make me think and rethink about my objectives and finally they might enrich my heart and soul wonderfully. That’s the gift of time and destiny…..

Aashram.

2007-10-12T09:11:00.001-07:00

Palghar is collage of memories… My memories swing between extremely sad professional experiences and exceedingly satisfying personal growth. Ancient Indian culture narrates a lot about ‘Ashram’s. Serenity of woods, peace of spirituality and wisdom of knowledge together construct the concept of ‘Ashram’. And to certain extent, it was my ‘Ashram’ – learning place, in spite of the most disappointing professional experiences!

On the very first day, a tiny village unfolded in front of my eyes as I followed the curved path in a rickshaw. I had a glimpse of it while in train- I’d entered in the world of emerald..!! A narrow path, clean and green took a sharp turn and led me to a small village school and a primary health center. I halted at the doorsteps of my house- a deserted, old fort covered with wild grass and dust caught my attention. That was my backyard!!! And beyond the fort I saw green world extended towards blue of the sea! A jackfruit tree stood tall at my door steps and few hibiscus shrubs painted the front yard red :-). This was my first ‘date’ with my house!

I took no time to fall in love with it of course; though nights were bit scary at times. With no electricity for hours together, the old fort and autopsy room next to it had daunting effect on everyone around. But most of the times, these nights bestowed most peaceful moments of my life. I enjoyed beloved ‘Megh-dootam’ on a chair below jackfruit tree, underneath twinkling stars or clouds at times, when serenity was bordered with distant roar of night sea. That was the perfect time of life, when in spite of unstable career; I was at perfect peace- on my beloved land, amidst my beloved nature and ever drempt simplicity.

Another road always made my morning walks a wonderful experience. It was a narrow road bordered with tall trees enough to remind me of ancient forests. It led to few poor fishermen houses and sea. I always felt as if I was entering another time, when human species was experiencing crucial phases of evolution. When few temporary houses were built at sea shores and river banks and people with half covered bodies wandered along the sea in the search of food with primitive farming… ah, it was amazing gift of time! When I could think on anthropology and that was the time when I actually could relate my knowledge of medical science to anthropology, evolution and arts! It was the time when I found it all interconnected! It was bliss.

And then, with my mind filled with divine pleasure, I would return to my PHC for my beloved work. Lines of patients always made my day! Here, I experienced that smiles do work!! Sweet words do heal to some extent, yes! The chair, on which I sat, had lost all the trust and respect. I, being very ordinary doctor with very limited resources, could gain it back only with my smiles and tongue and palms. A pat on back and love in eyes built respect and trust. It was miraculous!

I remember those tribal patients, who did not have money to travel and eat, who stayed at places where no vehicle could reach, and who were afraid of my PHC for that place always drained their tiny savings!!!! 100Rs/ saline or glucose, 200Rs/ normal delivery, 15Rs/ injection… it was horrible! And they were always offered two injections- everyone!! One usually contained a steroid and another contained painkiller or normal saline or even distilled water!!! Sometimes they would get the same ‘medication’ on each arm- for just 30Rs! And it was a system! Word ‘system’ itself indicates rigidity and involvement of politics. There were few staff nurses and field workers, who protested change! Played filthy politics and troubled by hideous means! And they claimed to be part of a noble profession! Professional descendants of Joan of Arc!

Hmm, while re-reading this now, I feel, I never felt so bitter about it that time. Even now, when I re-think, I realize that it wasn’t that simple really. Faulty too have their stories. Lives were screwed to great extent; screwed due to poverty, deceits, addictions… I remember long talks with those people as well and I remember that those brought tears! They repeated the eternal sufferings of womanhood. They repeated helplessness of poverty. I lived at two extremes. Extreme security at home in city and extreme insecurity about everything here!

There, I’d big hospitals waiting for me at 5 minutes walk even if I sneeze casually. I slept carelessly in my bed, without even a single mosquito bite! And here… here, a 15 yr old girl got bitten by cobra when she was deep asleep in her own bed in her own house. After her death in my PHC, I could not sleep in my bed for several nights at any place! In PHC, I felt insecure and at home I was uncomfortable with comfort and security I had… when another 15 yr old girl could not have it at her house…

Hmmm, It was an experience… golden days in my life!!

Mrunmayee

2007-10-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is a book by Go. Ni. Dandekar. I was introduced to it through a chapter in Marathi textbook in 9th or 10th. The chapter called the main character ‘Manu’ and I thought her name must be Mrunmayee.. But when I read the book soon later, I found her name as ‘Manorama’… in fact now am not even sure that it was Manorama… I remember her as ‘Mrunmayee’ - Made up of sand!

The book tells story of a young girl, who was born in Konkan and brought up in 'Desh'- somewhere in Satara perhaps. The story narrates much beyond the love for land. She lived in the dreams of Konkan, got married and went there finally with irresponsible husband and cruel mother in law. She worked in the field- she blossomed the small garden at backyard, worshiped land; loved it, maintained it… she withstood brutality of mother in law; lust of unfaithful husband, physical torture and much more. And then she grew spiritually at the same time. For her, entire world turned Krishna- eternal love of many distinguished lovers!! And finally, after her husband’s death, when a neighbor tried to assault her, she calmly invited him to do so!!!!!! Like Meera…!!
That was terrific. World considers it graceful to maintain purity of body. World worships ‘Johar’s! And here, Meera and this Manu, bother least about it.. They ask Krishna to witness the assault and they see him in trees, creepers, rural house, cows and sculptures!! It needs tremendous spiritual power.

Other day I tried to play with myself; I tried to ‘love’ Krishna! And then I imagined his presence in everything; in trees, roads, breezes... oh, believe me, it was wonderful!! The very realization that someone whom you love with all your heart and soul, meets you through every external input, through all the sense organs, was simply mind blowing… when I thought of him touching my cheeks in the form of wind; walking with me in the form of road; entertaining me in the form of dancing trees and entering within me as breath; I reached perfect peace! without fear of losing him in-between…

But then, it was very difficult to love him first of all! For couple of hours, this illusive state of mind stayed without complaints, but later, intensity decreased. No, I couldn’t be Meera… It couldn’t be the eternal state of my soul…

Hey, and then, I need not try all this… especially when a wonderful future might unfold soon in this country of freedom, opportunities and excellence! A wonderful future full of all mortal pleasures!! After all, I am an ordinary individual… my happiness lingers around my tiny house, my lovely family, husband, kids, relatives, patients and my work. I would visit Pandharpur or Dvaraka at my convenience, after managing my house and husband and would still call him (Vitthala/ krishna) my boyfriend for all my life!! :-)

Vishwa swa dharm surye paho!

2007-10-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

I must have read ‘Pasay-Daan’ atleast thousand times in my life till now! I first heard of it in primary school as every Marathi child of my age does and read and re-read it- initially just for I was instructed to do so… n then, when I grew older, I read it for I found the language difficult. It was a linguistic challenge then. I swam in the ocean of self realization again and again until my linguistic thrust was quenched. And during the process I happened to understand the important part of Hindu philosophy accidentally!! Yes, almost accidentally, for I had no intention to think about Hinduism in particular. I was never a follower of any religion! I am not a follower of any religion even now though I love and am habituated to rituals of Hindu religion as a part of normal life and follow those whenever possible. But now I have insight about the religion in which I grew and now I can correlate it all clearly!

Pasay Daan means Prasad. Jyaneshwar asked for God’s blessings at the end of Jyaneshwari. He started with ‘Duritan che timir jao’…. The very first line demanded disappearance of darkness of troubles and the second line followed- Vishwa swa dharm surye paho!!! May the world see the bright sun of own religion!

Once, when I was singing it to myself at night, when I suddenly realized that this is the only religious poem which demands ‘swa dharma surya’! It does not demand the expansion of Hindu religion and its sole presence on the earth. It is open for co-existence. It does not demand transformation!! This was a big discovery!! Then I realized that Hindu religion does not have any religious ritual to convert an individual. One needs to be born as a Hindu to be Hindu. This religion has chaos of gods and goddesses and everyone has freedom to follow one of them or even to generate new one!! This religion sees God in ‘Murti’s- sculptures, human beings, animals, nonliving things like chairs, tables and rocks! This religion sings prayers of apologies for hitting the Earth by feet!!!!

Is it because this religion has understood the facts and truths behind existence of religions?? Religions are the major by products of culture and evolution. It is major by product of science, relentless efforts to find answers to questions- ‘why’ ‘when’ ‘how’ ‘where’!! formed by early cultures and distorted to extreme extent by later cultures…

But if Hindus know the nature of religion and nature of God- as Jyaneshwari describes it perfectly in the words- ‘adhya’, ‘swa sanvedya’ and ‘aatm roop’- then what is the justification for ‘Manusmriti’? Was it another distortion of rational distribution of work…??? Does it lessen the unique beauty of Hinduism? To what extent??

Suicides

2007-10-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

Suicides are serious. It's all about attitude. Life is full of worst events. And moreover those are highly subjective! And satisfaction is the most illusive state of mind.

Animal, named man is strangely ambitious. A marathi poem describes it well-- whatever that is beyond reach, far away, difficult to achieve, is the most attractive. And once that destination is conquered, the same turns very ordinary.. n next destination catches our eyes upon it!

Other day, I had the worst feeling of life! I thought, my mind was the most disposable thing in the world.. It was horrible feeling! And I have faced many such horrible feelings till the date. N am sure everyone has faced similar feelings at some point in life.

That's why, it's all about attitude and philosophy of life. For me, life is the most beautiful fact of world! I'm amazed by the cycle of passage of genes to next generation and continuity of life! Everyone in the world has suffered a lot... am sure of it. World is full of losses- personal or professional! Every person has to accept his/her share of loss! And every person here contributes to the world to which we all are exposed. Still whenever I look at world, I find it dancing, bubbling with enthusiasm! It's ever beautiful; full of youth and charm!! A look out of my window has tremendous strength to lessen my gloom and sorrows whenever I feel low!! Similar thoughts are described in daffodils- a poem-
for oft when on my couch I lie in vacant or in passive mood,
they flash upon my inward eye, which is a bliss of solitude.

Becoming an 'insignificant part of huge world' is great pleasure!!

I think, this attitude is base of Hindu philosophy as well. We know firmly- that beyond certain point destiny is inevitable! And personally it makes me very strong. I take this inevitable nature of destiny very positively! It prepares me to face situations bravely and accept the rewards modestly. It makes me believe that I have my share of reward hidden somewhere in future. This philosophy makes me accept adversities as blessings, tests administered by almighty! acceptance of inevitable phenomenon which are beyond our reach even if we wish to correct situations and being thankful for whatever we have.. and first of all-being considerate and counting what we possess as tremendous positivities in life.. this all makes one positive and that's the path which leads slowly to the ever drempt contentedness!!

Title...

2007-10-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

It is the last half part of the first line of a Marathi song... Hridayi preet jagate.. janata-ajanata....

Mind generates thousands of thoughts and concepts and emotions every minute. It's shades keep changing. And the beauty of each shade is unbeatable! Most of those thoughts go unnoticed. Though ordinary and most common, they deserve their own space; they deserve a passing glance and they deserve praise and corrections!

thoughts are like pearls... at times it becomes difficult for me to arrange them in a string...
they shine and make their presence known sometimes; but most of the times they lie forgotten in the deepest layers of sand at the bottom of the sea. I've already lost thousands of them...

This is an effort to capture and frame those unnoticed, passing thoughts!!