Money...

Money.... is a power that can easily ruin! I always pray for enough money to feed myself, to build a small shelter and to fulfill my basic responsibilities. And at the same time, I do pray for keeping the flame of realization alive in my conscious mind that there are still many in the world who do not have even this much money.

Fortunately I never had enough money to misuse :-)

Still childhood was secured. I never got many luxuries and I never found all those thing essential which I never got. parents suffered through many difficult times but I never had the fear of being homeless, food less and without basic education. When now my bro tells me that when he heard dad's death at the age of 12, he assumed that then onwards he would have to work and find his own shelter and food without education, it shocks me. That is a terrible feeling for a 12 year old child- a feeling of being thrown into huge dump of insecurity from a pleasant and completely secured lifestyle!!

And today, at the age of 28, when I can no more depend on my mother, all alone, am facing a similar fear. After few months my course is going to end. I can not claim loan money that time. I will NOT have residency and if I write exams hurriedly I might not get into it ever... I can't even think of it. Moreover my loan repayment will also start, I will have to stay in this country without shelter to claim as my own and without a source of income.. and without a single relative. (though they are anyway of know use unless they are own blood and family) I am much worried.. Feel like talking to someone about it.. talk might relieve part of my burden perhaps...

Am not sure of anything right now. I hope situation will not make me pack my bags and go back without any solid achievement. Only good aspect is that I can work if I return and my loan is not huge; I can repay it with my earnings...

Life would be sad if any such thing happens, but it may not happen at all or if it happens it will bring another quality of mine to the surface. Till the time wish to fight is alive, I can not be a failure. :-)

This thought is so consoling!!!

Execution

I listened to a round table video published in online New England Journal of Medicine. It discussed the rationale behind using muscle paralytic agent in modern method of execution. This modern method involves injecting a combination of two anesthetic agents- muscle relaxant and a barbiturate and potassium chloride which stops heart.

The protocol claims to minimizing pain and suffering at the end of life of the prisoners... Hearing about ending some ones life unnaturally- let it be a homicide, suicide or a legal process makes me sad. On Earth, where every moment is a new generation, evolution towards something better, why should someone end something as beautiful and precious as life??

A life.... when I look at myself and even just couple of people around me- I understand the intricate woven nature of a life. A life is a world. Since birth a life carries so many experiences and memories with it- good or bad- those remain doubtlessly precious. It connects with many others, becomes part of other world while being a world itself... It's a mesh work of many circles huge n small, with a circle of own life being all inclusive. It needs a lot of negative courage to end it artificially.

Even about prisoners, many times I feel perhaps execution is not a right punishment. Then a thought raises, what about a prisoner who has killed a head of a family, a mother, an innocent child and most importantly another life- a world... When I think of an imaginary person, who has just killed my father, my mother, my child, a family member.. what would my reaction be. Or if someone kills my husband or me and I still have a uni-dimensional characteristic of this particular thought intact and alive, what would I think? It is difficult- difficult to forgive someone who does this to me... But I will not like to make him die... it makes me feel terrible. He can have life imprisonment with no work to do and no place to go except his room. That is the worst punishment I feel. Worse than death... But by doing this I do not snatch his world of memories and experiences from him...

And then I think the possible importance of these memories... It is just this and fear of destruction and decomposition of body that makes me afraid of death??? Yes. And was this the reason why few cultures and religions brought concepts of lives after life, world after death and new birth with same soul into existence?.................. Yes perhaps...
Science, which tells true composition of human body, who describes periodic table and dissects atom to its smallest units has not succeeded in driving this fear away.. Also, it has not been successful yet to tell precisely the nature of 'life' in the bodies and its origin...