आत्मवान!

In the very beginning of 2nd chapter of Geeta, Krishna says-

अशोच्यानन्व शोचस्त्वं प्रदन्यावाद्स्च्य भाषसे....

You think and dream all those things about which you are NOT supposed to think at all. And on the top of it, you speak philosophies... ( How ridiculous it is...)

many times I feel that this is for me. I was doing internship when I realize this first. I just flipped few pages of Jyaneshwari and my eyes got fixed on a line-

क्षुद्रं ह्रदयदौर्बल्यम त्यक्तोस्त्तिष्ठ परंतप!

This was my first introduction to 2nd chapter.

Leave all the doubts- which show how weak your mind is- make your mind strong- don't think whether you will be able to complete the task you wish to undertake and GET UP.

Get up as a new person. throw the old skin away and shine with new rustling beauty of mind and soul, like snake.

That was the time when I had many doubts about life; what to do and where to start... This was the best guide. If you wish to do something, do not START WITH DOUBT whether you will be able to. Yes, one must give it a rational thought; but with all the positivity and realism he possesses and not with the defeated mind! Trust your abilities and know yourself.

तुझिया नामे अपयशी दिशा लंघिजे!

Your name makes failure run away!

I feel this not for ONLY Arjuna. We all are Arjun at some or the other time in life. Go through his Arjuna's words in 1st chapter-

सीदन्ति मम गात्राणि मुखं च परितुश्यति!

वेपथुश्च्य शरीरे मे रोमहर्षश्च जायते!

गान्दीवं संस्रते हस्तान.....

With sympathetic system all active, my organs are shaking, mouth is dry, weapon is shaking in hand.... imagine a surgeon entering OT for the first time all alone... or a team of surgeons operating on a high risk patient and some unknown, uncontrolled bleeder starts pouring blood, patients BP starts falling, anesthetist demands urgent closure and bleeder is still invisible... haha... I think situation will be almost same perhaps, though of course it will not help at all- rather make the situation even more difficult!

Most of the times, we, atleast i know, what is right in certain situation. But I do what I want to, which I know is WRONG, like a patient suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder. At a golden moment, like this moment today, i realize completely that I must CONTROL my mad mind. I must try not to listen to it but I must make it listen to me.

Here comes Geeta in application:

He says,

सुख दुख्खे समे कृत्वा लाभालाभौ जयाजयौ,

ततो युद्धाय युज्यस्व नैवं पापं अवाप्स्यसि

Fight! Leave thoughts of victory and defeat, loss and gain, happiness and sorrows... FIGHT.

Thoughts cloud mind. They DO NOT lead to success, they waste time and and promise nothing but more chances to lose!

FIGHT is the golden word. COME OVER, SUCCEED... but DONT DREAM OF SUCCESS too!! It is a binder, which hinders progress!!

त्रैगुणयविषयावेदा निस्त्रैगुण्यो भवार्जुन!

After knowing Vedas, which are filled with three gunas- characters- satva, raj and tam,

You be without any of those three!

निर्द्वन्द्वो नित्यसत्वस्थो निर्योगक्षेम आत्मवान!

Overcome all the internal fights; be attached to sat, to that which is TRUE, do not engage yourself in yog kshem- efforts to uplift self in material world- and be आत्मवान! This is one of the best words used by krishna! Be aatmavaan- everyone will interpret it differently. Be yourself- be content within yourself. Be involved in yourself, be happy with yourself. Be content!!

And now I feel how fool I was to run behind all those things which are most uncertain!!!!!!

Though this realization is going to be temporary as usual, I realize that... which is better at least!!

addicts... social problems... responsibilities...

The post on Muktangan made me reproduce more and more.. as if the prolonged block on brain was lifted and thoughts regained flow... A wonderful re-recognition of self or something of that sort if this sounds disproportionately great and does not suit my character :-)

Muktangan exposed me to a world of pains and problems. There, life presented itself as a Pandora's box, recently opened, with sorrows and agonies flying high in air. There, life appeared a continuous process of failure to cope up, search of escapes, mistakes, attempt to correct those, temporary phase of correction and again relapse!!! With relapse rate as high as 80% Muktangan is well known as one of the best de-addiction centers in the country... That is the magnitude of the problem named addiction! Appears quite common, I could see atleast one alcoholic in whole day even if I lingered in my balcony for a hour total in a day! And I'd never seen druggists, iv drug abusers till then. And I did not know that habit forming drugs could be any damn drug- even a routine cough syrup- i'd heard it but i could never believe till I saw the abuser at Muktangan!!

State of mind always fluctuated there. One moment I would curse the person for causing so many financial and emotional troubles to the family and children, creating new set of troubles, worse than the present.

Next moment I would pray for keeping me at distance from the sufferings he's going through...

This now reminds me of a historical fact- Winston Churchill's Parliament speeches provided constant encouragement to British army during 2nd World War and most of those were filled with intense criticism against Nazis. The same leader, unique due to his strength, intellect and courage, in the cluster of politically miserable France, cruel Soviet Russia with entirely different set of interests and distant and thus safe America, commented in the Parliament once that if Britain had been devastated in the similar way after first world war, another Hitler would be the necessity of time to pull the national pride and economy up!!

Ironically, systems create more than half of the problems which people face in personal lives. It may not be the immediate system. It usually comprises of a set social norms, economy, and culture. Poverty line is decided by economy. Level of education which a person can achieve depends on economy. Level of expenditure depends on social norms and culture to greater extent. We, as a part of the entire system around, are equally responsible though indirectly! half of the addicts are created by system with which they can't cope up. of course, it is not that simple- way in which they brought up is also important and so are many other factors- but everything finally narrows down to the level of education themselves, parents and neighborhood achieve and socio economic ability of that class to achieve that level!

Thus system creates problem-people and then system curses them, outcasts etc and then a part of system struggles to correct these problems!!

I imagine the losses involved in the entire process- both economical and emotional, I see the young generation in such houses which is deprived of so many good things right from facilities till value implantation, and I realize that there are many such houses around... The fact is disturbing!

Muktangan

happened to read few poems written by someone... felt like posting my own poem- written sometime during 2nd year MBBS- inspiration was 'Muktangan' perhaps; where I witnessed positivity and efforts taken by addicts, their families and volunteer team of course... I listened to lives completely collapsed, devastated... severe family or professional problems, tensions... There consulting room was a dynamic stage always flooded with uncontrolled emotions. And there were so many shades, so many types, so many different depths achieved.

I closely monitored shallow emotions of a HIV positive and his ups and downs, worries of mothers, agony of wives, depression of poor vehicle drivers, tensions of middle class, entirely different world of a dentist schizophrenic, concerns of her old grandpa, careless experimentation of an adolescent drug addict and the ease with which he admitted it in front of his parents.

Every case I saw was different and made me think a lot. My petty sorrows, if there were any, were wiped off in this tremendous flood of experiences which showed me the 'true colors of life'. Which literally pulled me out of my protective shell, made me face bare realities even though as a third person.

Now with good career path, nice progress in tasks taken in hands, wonderful life partner and my characteristic optimism, I will hopefully never face any of those problems which i witnessed there; but those were eye openers, that was an introduction to sorrows and it enriched my optimism. My attitude- if people can face so many problems and it they can still live and struggle, life is worth living truly- was re enforced there. And I will never forget this fact ever.

Life never showed me dark colors till now, I never considered any event as negative part of life- though now retrospectively I sometimes feel for few moments that dad's death was a set back perhaps, on academic front, but still I know that it taught me the most valuable philosophy. He taught me even in the process of his own death.

Thus, though, life never was cruel with me, I developed an attitude to face unavoidable cruelties of life in Muktangan. It is my treasure of lifetime. And that made me write these lines.

एकवार मी सहज पाहिले मला स्वताला जरा न्याहालून,
शोधत असता जुन्याच वाटा, खुणा जयाच्या गेल्या हरवून!

दिवस जशी ही पिम्पल-पाने, गलून गेली कितिक भराभर,
हाती आले काहीच नाही, निसतले म्हणा वा हातातुन!

किव्हा काही खरच गवसले, कलले नाही मलाच केव्हा?
मर्म लागले कीनारयास पण सागर लाटा गेल्या परतुन...

आवेगांच्या, आवर्तांच्या, आभासांच्या कितिक लाटा...
बंध रेशमी तुटता तुटता, जीवन सारे गेल्या उसवून!

उसासण्याला नव्हता अंत, निश्वासातच बद्ध तराणे,
आयुष्याचे सुरम्य गाणे, सूरच गेले सारे हरवून!

विस्कटलेल्या याच पटावर केव्हा होते डाव रंगले,
केव्हा होत्या पडल्या नरदा... डावच गेला सगला उधलून!

अवसेच्या ह्या रात्रि काल्या मी पुनवेला शोधत आहे...
कालपटावर सुखदुक्खाच्या डाव पुन्हा उलगडत आहे!

Modest and highly incomplete attempt to express the immense optimism which I feel within!! :-)