Tonight...

Tonight, I sat with my coffee cup as usual, after a long gap perhaps.... night was as silent as usual. Poems lingered in mind for a while as usual. Again I 'lived' Satari che bol...
I stated at 'Karan aatil vishanna vrutti... bahya bhairavi dharate preeti....' and very swiftly reached at 'shant ch tare, shant ch vaare, shant ch hridayi zale sare...'
So, 'Geeta' seeps in soul.... haan.. ??
I never experienced it so positively till today. Words filled the night with their depth. 'I am not 'nirdvandva and aatma svatvstha' I know very well... But I could digest 'Ashochya nanv shochyas tvam, pradnya vaadaan ch bhashase'. I could question myself quite indifferently. i could laugh at my immediate mistakes. I could correct.

Again, tonight, I drempt of the holidays which I'd planned at smoky mountains; I drempt of pleasant solitude, i drempt of little valuable treats, i promised myself after each exam.
And most importantly I drempt of MY HOUSE!!!!!!! I consequently drempt of perfect scores, reasonably good residency, content life with balance of dreams and facts, and of HOME!!
I consider myself a new individual. Truly independent- for I found myself free of my own small conditional thoughts. I found myself free from my little dependencies, my clauses for happiness.

I know, I can ONLY react even today, or rather i only correct my faulty reactions. I might take long time to ACT appropriately. I finally realize now days, though bit late, that 'sukh dukkhe same krutva labha labhau jaya jayau.. tato yuddhay yujyaswa....!!' is the ultimate key to contentedness. That's not idle but that's appropriate.
Now I do not follow Geeta because it is an 'ideology'; now I follow the philosophy for I find it the most appropriate way to act or react. I try to reach 'atmanye aatmana tushta' state. It's still illusive though!

The state adya Shankaracharya mentioned-
'Manobudhyahankar chittani naham... na ch vyom bhutirna wa panchadhatu.. chidanand rupee shivohum....'
is still illusive. But I do not find it fantasy anymore. It's difficult revision of second chapter of Geeta. I would love to be 'nirvikalpa', that's such a wonderful state...

I sat beneath the dark serene night sky with this desire... And i could hum the usual lines, without trace of tears for the first time, and I guess I understood those lines for the first time in my life today...

Madhya ratri, nabh ghumata khali
shanti shiri tam chavarya dhali
tyakt bahishkrut mi tya kali...
ekanti dole bharati... tethe kar maze julti...

And I joint my palms, to pay my respect to all that is 'sat' which lasts for ever without depletion...